I should like to state up front that this log entry will bear no resemblence to David Neilsen's "Satan on..." articles at The Brunching Shuttlecocks. On top of that, I'd also like to clarify that David Neilsen of The Brunching Shuttlecocks should not be confused with David Nelson of Nutters.org, mentioned in passing later in this article. For that matter, you shouldn't confuse me, The Famous Brett Watson, with Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg of The Brunching Shuttlecocks, although I admit such a mistake is not actually likely to happen in practice. Despite some coincidental similarities, we are not at all related to The Brunching Shuttlecocks. I think my writings lack key elements to have much of a brunch factor. Anyway, with those confusing clarifications out of the way, you may now proceed with the log entry proper (which, I might add, has as much to do with the names of heavy metal bands as it does with Satan).

On a whim, I logged on to a talker (chat room, if you prefer) that I used to frequent when my primary co-nutter, David Nelson, was residing in Thailand. This was our primary means of conspiring and discussing all matters Nutterish whilst geographically separated, but I haven't had cause to use it since he returned. Even so, I thought I'd pop in to see if anything interesting was going on, and, as it happens on this occasion, Satan was online. The following brief exchange took place.

only~one Satan asks you 'WANNA JOIN THE CLAN OF MINE?'
You tell Satan 'No thanks. I've been advised not to enter into a pact with you.'
only~one Satan asks you 'WHY?'
You tell Satan 'Because you are a liar and the father of lies.'
You tell Satan 'That, and you use ALL CAPS.'

Based on my research, I think it most likely that Satan is a male high-school student from Tasmania, Australia. I would conjecture (and this is pure speculation on my part) that he is of slight build, and likes to wear tee-shirts related to some sort of heavy metal band. If you want to find out for yourself, his contact details are available on the web, so you can email him or chat to him yourself if he's online. Of course, I can't guarantee that he's the real Satan — he might just be some random Tasmanian Devil.

Speaking of heavy metal bands, have you noticed that there are some fairly strict rules by which they are named? Consult a list of heavy metal band names and see what I mean. For starters, there's the obvious generalisation that they should relate to a theme of darkness, danger, death, disease, destruction, demons, or dungeons (full marks for alliteration?), preferably with religious or ritualistic overtones. Thus we have Black Sabbath and Deicide (a word whose etymology suggests "the act of killing God", in case it's not obvious), Judas Preist and Iron Maiden. Notable exceptions are that class of names which are simply the name of the performer (I can't bring myself to call them "artists"), but they are very much the exception, not the rule. (Contrast this with the Country and Western scene.)

But more subtle than this are some of the other guidelines of heavy metal band nomenclature. One-word names are good; two-word names are also good; three-word names are only allowed with special approval, such as if the middle word is really small or you can still say the name like it is only two words. Terseness is of the essence, although you're quite welcome to make the words polysyllabic. When the name consists of letters (not encouraged, but certainly allowed, as per AC/DC) or contains letters, judgement as to terseness is based on the number of words it sounds like. We really don't want more than two stressed syllables, you see. If you're thinking Echo & the Bunnymen might be a good name, I seriously suggest you consider some genre other than heavy metal.

In general it helps if the band name is rendered in all capital letters. Boldness is usually the go, but not a plain kind of font, lest you be mistaken for Wham! Three popular suggestions for the font rendition include an ultra-bold font with a lightning-bolt "S" (or an actual lightning bolt in the name), an ornate font with spiky serifs — one that looks like it would hurt to hold if it were actually metal, or anything that wouldn't look too out of place on the front of a very big truck. Please bear in mind that, although humorous, I do not include Wham! in my list of things that can appear on the front of a truck — I'm talking more about the way that truck-name logos are rendered, like MAN, but probably not Volvo.

Still, these are just my views as an independent observer. When it comes down to it, I really don't grok the heavy metal thing. And although I have some idea why a person would choose a handle like "Satan", I think it's pretty lame. Describing yourself as the prince of darkness has the unfortunate effect of making you sound like the prince of dorkness. Talking in all capital letters doesn't help, either.